Reasonless

What a semester it has been!!! Its almost a month before I finally decided to post this post. Dont ask me the reason for it. Because I dont have one.

The semester started with such a bang. Party everyday! Trikha's friends coming from South Carolina, me returning from Pittsburgh, Vaibhav's birthday and, as they say, the list continues. We just needed a reason to fly. 20 days into the semester and we started to feel the heat. Assignments, project due dates, research everything together. I had classes just once a week that too on a saturday. Had 6 full days to finish off my work but never to be. Why should I? Had the next week to do it. You know where that comes from. Bachelors !!! Eitherway...

Now lets get to the point. The reason for this post! None. Just felt like writing something. I am not going to apoligise here for not updating my blog. Its for two reasons. The first being I couldnt really find something to write on. Second being, as if my updating a blog makes a difference. So where were we? Yup. I just felt like writing something.

As I write this, I am wondering how did I survive that semester. It was horrible. As I think about it, I wonder that I made through without hurting myself. However, lots of positives from it. Its times like these when you make real friends. I made a few. But, they are the ones who are on my 4am list of friends.

Off late, I have started realizing that I just have 11 months of schooling left in my life. Never again I might go to school. The worst of this all, have to face another set of farewells and see-offs. Who knows where the hell we'll land up! I have started hating see-offs. I mean, the frequency at which I have started "seeing-off" people, I really think time needs to slow down. It was just now, that I had arrived in DC. And its a year already! How the hell did it go so soon?

Just when I went to drop of my friend to airport who was going for a holiday, it just struck me. Next year, I would probably be here again and then that would be The Send-Off. Reality hit me. I had a lump in my throat. Took me a while to let that feeling sink in me. These are the moments that make you realize to live life to the fullest.

If you got to go, you got to go !!!

There was no real reason behind this post and am pretty sure, it is total waste of whatever! But just felt like writing something. Maybe, this would encourage me to start writing regularly again. I might delete this post, as soon as I come up with better things.

till then, WINKS!!!

Holding Back....

Have you ever felt betrayed? Ever felt the most beautiful moments of life change into the most heart-piercing ones? Ever felt people who knew you, all of a sudden, dont know you and vice versa?Ever looked at your friends list on a chat program and couldn't find anyone to talk to when just a day back you were talking to 7 people at same time with those 7 people being onlineboth the times?

 Ever felt who would be bothered if you were to die this very moment and feel so terrible when you realise no-one? Ever scared to think of life without few people and all of sudden you are in that situation? Ever trusted people more than yourself and found the same people at loss of trust with you for no reason whatsoever?

Ever felt let down in the phrase's truest sense when you all you have ever done is back them up? Have you ever felt that after two decades of your life you are back to where you were? Have you ever, ever hired an assasin to kill your own self? and you supplied the gun too?

Today, I have answered all of this above questions a YES. I feel terrible about it. I dont know if I am/was right or wrong... I dont know if I should be angry or depressed... Should start all over again or just leave hopes... Should I confront them or behave as if nothing as happened... Should I.... I dont know what to say or do....

For the time being I am holding myself back...And its not out of choice...

Its because I dont have any other choice...................

In the awe of things....

I used to see the Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus {then Victoria terminus} as a small kid sitting on the bac seat of my fiat whenever Dad used to take us out to Downtown {man!!! I am in US} on sundays. I used to be in awe everytime I saw it lited. It was amazing. Beautiful!!! It would take away my breath and I always thought how nice it would be if I grew up and would have my college or office around here so that I can see the magnificient structure everyday. A typical British architecture, gigantic and when lited at night was awe-inspiring. Fast forward a few years and I got oppurtunity to play soccer at cross maidan almost everyday. I was so happy to be able to watch it everyday. As days passed by, I stopped noticing it. It was a part of my routine. 

After those two years, our football practice shifted to our college. After a few months, I happened to to go to Downtown {aaahhhh!!!! how much I hate the word} again and got an oppurtunity to see it again.And that too at night!!! Awesome...It had the same effect on me as it used to have when I was a kid. It was then I realised that when I used to see it everyday, it had so much become a part of me, that I had stopped noticing about how beautiful the structure was. How many times do we hear, "You realise the importance of anything after it goes away."

My house is on the 6th floor of the building and it has a traditional Indian balcony. Now, being on the sixth floor and surrounded by parks on three sides and no tall buildings in front of the balcony, there is always a smooth breeze and beautiful view out there. Every once in while I love standing there and watch as people pass by, sun sets down, city lights up. But thats not everyday. That happens when I have few guests at my place and I show them that part of the house and they smile saying "Its so beautfiul out here" or "I would love to have such a place at my house but unfortunately..." Its then that I realise  "Yes!!! this is really pretty." And Thats when, after winding up, I stand there looking around and I get the deepest satisfaction.

There isn't any real point about this entire post but just that sometimes we are so used to somethings that we dont realise what they mean to us until they are gone. Be it people, house or even a Sofa for that case. When we get them back we just be in their awe. I am not heer to teach that philosophy that you shoudl respect what you have and creepy crappy stuff. I mean its fine thats how things are but whats more important is you realise what they mean to you. I am pretty sure even if you decide to respect such things, as soon as they become a part of the routine, you treat it normally. Its only when you go out of routine you realise it.

Love that feeling!!!

Somethings are just not meant to be...

Aint it?

You know each other for years. Been in the same friend circle. You always flirted around with each other. Somehow you managed to be in all photographs together.You dint do it intentionally. You are best fo friends and share everything. You know each other so well that most of things are said by eyes. You even think on the same lines. You always loved her/him. You knew she/he loves you as well. But, neither you nor he/she could tell it. You always tease each other with somebody but deep in your heart you know how much you hate seeing him/her with someone else. One fine day, you come to know, from someone else, that he/she is seeing someone else and is getting married soon.You do nothing but support the decision.

All you friends applied in the same university. All of you have similar profiles and similar entrance test scores. You are so sure you will still be together. They have to give admission to all of you together. You even apply at the same specific time to have a laugh about it. You receive emails at the same time. But guess what? One of you hasn't made it. Reasons: Unknown... You talk to the university a 1000 times but nothing could be done. Its something you have to accept.

You do and you move on.

Somethings are not meant to be! Aint it?

Think about it...

Now I understand....

Now I understand what people felt when they would say "Those were the days!!!!"

College is over and its 6 months. Although am still studying but The Most important years of anyones life, BACHELOR'S are gone. I feel so nostalgic. Those were the days! Really... Times have changed now. I had always seen others parting away from friends and then getting really excited that one day of the month or two when somebody from their friend circle would call up. Once done with the calls they would tell the stories of the crazy things they did during the college and then slowly becoming sad about it.

I always felt that destiny would treat me good and different. But, it wasnt to be! I am the same as others. Thrown miles away from my friends whom I had known for over 10 years. Having been in different fields, we still had the privilege of saying that we were friends from bachelors. Now all of a sudden, we are cut aprt and thrown in different places. One in New york City, 3 in Pittsburgh, 3 still in India and I am in Washington DC. Its like a dagger pearcing the heart, cutting it in pieces and throwing all of them in air and they get scattered.

Fortunate enough for 6 of us in US, we happen to be in same time zone and hence, we can meet up atleast once in a semester. But I really feel bad for those three in India. As i write this I cant help but remeber lyrics from the song Graduation Day by Vitamin C:

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?

I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

I guess everyone has to go through this phase of life and accept the reality. It feels terrible but the sooner you accept it, the better for you. I feel nostalgic every time a campus song is eing played on youtube, everytime I see a bunch of undergrads breaking rules and having some fun, everytime I talk to my Bachelor's friends. 

There is this another famous Hindi song By KK whose lyrics goes as:

Hum rahe ya na rahe kal, 

kal...yaad ayenge yeh pal, 

pal... yeh hai pyaar ke pal......

................

hum rahe ya na rahe yaad aayenge yeh pal......

 I never thought about the lyrics so deeply. I liked it because it was good song to sing with friends around. But Now, I understand why is it such a famous song. It ends with "Hum rahe ya na rahe yaad aayenge yeh pal". True, isn't it? Irrespective of how close or far we are,we'll remember those days...

Am lucky enough to have an oppurtunity to live college life for another year and half {a half of which is already complete} and luckier enough to have found good friends to spend this final oppurtunity at college.

Now I treasure this time and Now I understand......